Keeping people on your website is hard! Users will often leave a site within 10 seconds if it doesn’t present clear value to them immediately. So not only is your content important, but you have to display it well, too!
But just telling you website design tips would be boring. Let’s focus on what you can do to lose a user in 10 seconds by making the worst website ever. I want to drive users away in droves! By the time I’m done, not even Matthew McConaughey will use this site. Yes, I’m aware this makes me Kate Hudson in this analogy. I’m ok with this. Here are the four things you can do to create the worst website ever.
Step No. 1) Pick Just the Worst Background You Can Find
Like just get weird with it. Keep in mind the Holy Trinity of awful website backgrounds:
Feel free to mix-and-match! You don’t have to limit yourself to just one of the Trinity. The more obnoxious and attention-grabbing your background is the better! Unless you want to go the Space Jam route, I prefer animated:
If you can make your user feel physically ill or on the brink of a seizure, you’ve pretty much hit the jackpot. Remember: the last thing you want is for a user to read your text. I’m partial to this one. It strobes, black text would go awful on it, and like any great thing, somebody put a bird on it. Tile this baby and the background is set. Just picture this is moving:
Step 2.) Ha, You Just Thought the Background Was Going To Strobe, Didn’t You?
Just to confuse and intimidate the user, you’ve got to make your text as obnoxious as possible as well. Your users aren’t epileptic? Well they are now! High-five! It’s best to not use actual text here. You want to create a banner to really take the obnoxiousness quota. Of course, that’s time consuming, so if you have to use real text, be sure to throw that mess in the scrollable marquee function. I whipped one up on one of the many banner ad generators on the internet. It could be more annoying and abrasive, so there’s room to grow.
If you have normal text, make sure it’s as close to the background color as you can make it without it actually being the same color as the background.
Step 3.) Startle Your Users with Music Louder than a Jet Engine
When you put music on your website that auto plays, don’t pull any punches. If a user comes to this site and accidentally has his sound up too loud, I want them to go deaf. Of course, it’s important to pick something both naturally abrasive AND loud. So don’t settle for just picking whatever pop music punching bag you currently hate the most, you need to actively repulse and disorient the user. I’d suggest any part of Lou Reed’s Metal Machine Music. RIP, Lou Reed. You may be gone, but your legacy lives on as a crucial element of our awful website.
Step 4.) If You Have to Have Useful Content, Bury It Inside a Massive Window
I guess there has to be some reason to make this website other than to make people immediately click away. So if some brave user tries to find something on the site, you need to make it as inconvenient as possible to find. Either you make your website super long, with important things at the bottom, or super wide with content all the way on the far right. Or both! You don’t need to feel constrained. Just make sure your website is not easily viewable within any monitor that’s been created by man. If you load your website on an IMAX screen and you can see the whole website, it’s still too small. Really go crazy here. A body height and width of 10,000,000 pixels apiece should do nicely.
But Really, Don’t Do Any of These Things
Usability is important. If you want a well-designed website that actually makes users happy and converts, contact Blue Corona today. And stay away from the auto playing Metal Machine Music. That stuff is dangerous.
About The Author: Blue Corona is a data-driven online marketing company with offices in Gaithersburg, MD and Charlotte, N.C.
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